Run That By Me One More Time
by sakizar
Summary: Tony and Steve are alone in the tower. Unsurprisingly Tony is bored. Also unsurprisingly this leads to outlandish adventures. And hacking of SHIELD databases, among other things. X-over with Amazing Spider-Man (2012).
1. Mutual Babysitting

**Oh my God. What is wrong with me. They won't leave me alone. I am sooooo sorry.**

* * *

Tony is bored.

Steve thinks that those are the most terrifying three words he's ever had the displeasure of thinking. Even taking into account that one time with Bucky in France, and … well he promised himself he would never bring that up again.

Back to the point. Tony Stark with nothing to occupy his mind is a dangerous, feral thing. For Tony, getting bored means wild parties, drunk engineering, explosions, and strippers. Not necessarily in that order. Except he promised Ms. Potts that he wouldn't "traumatize the national icon, no seriously, Pep, he's a big boy, and it's not like I'm gonna burn down New York."

However that was yesterday and while Tony promised to more or less behave for the entire week, Steve can see that he is desperately looking for something to do.

"No, Steve, look. These people are crazier than we are."

Steve really wished that he could find Tony more annoying but unfortunately his feelings were hovering around fondly exasperated as most people who actually knew Tony usually tended to do.

"There's this guy in Hell's Kitchen is blind pro-bono lawyer by day and blind masked acrobat by night. I mean, really, who does that?"

Because sometimes Tony was almost like that new puppy that you left in your apartment for five minutes only to come and find that the little beast had torn up all of your furniture. Only with more repulsors and alcohol. And possibly debauchery.

Except the debauchery was tabled because while the tower was empty and Ms. Potts was out of town, Steve and Tony were acting as mutual babysitters. Watching each other watch each other. Because that was healthy.

"And don't get me started on Xavier and his band of nutcases. Or Magneto's for that matter."

So Steve was currently watching Tony hack into SHIELDs database because he was bored. Well, at least Bruce was supposed to be getting back by tonight.

"And no, it is not just that the suit is a really shiny, expensive, high-tech coffin around the man. Or excuse me, _homo superior_. Magneto is really just a huge bag of dicks!"

Steve sighs again for what has to be the fortieth time. Tony doesn't look up, just waves a negligent hand. "Hey, Cap, it's not like I'm changing anything or looking into mission-sensitive intel. I'm checking out the neighbors."

Great, they were going to meet up with these people someday, probably when they needed to be working together to save the world, and Tony was going to say the wrong thing, and everything would just blow up in their faces. To be honest that happened around Tony a little bit more often than Steve was strictly comfortable with. "Tony," he says, drawing out his friend's name. "That's a breach of their privacy."

Tony gives him a speculative look at that. "And it's not a breach of privacy for SHIELD to have the information?"

"Of course it is, but do you really think that the super-secret black ops government agency is going to care that they're breaching citizens' privacy?"

Tony winces. "Okay, point. But still it's important to know who's out there. What if they need help, Steve? And what if the help we try to give ends up hurting them? We need to know about these people."

Steve rolls his eyes. Please, Tony is just bored and nosy. "Tony, you want to get to know these people organize a meet-and-greet. Hold a party at the mansion on Park."

Tony sits up sharply, a wicked gleam in his eyes. "A party?"

Steve throws on his conversational breaks and backpedals. "No, Tony, not tonight. When Ms. Potts gets back. Get her to plan an actual party not a bash. Not like the infamous parties you've thrown before."

Tony's face closes off. Damnit, that was the wrong thing to say. Tony was such a minefield to talk to. Steve never knew when he might take one false step and think he was fine only to have his feet blown out from beneath him.

"Look, Tony, there's nothing wrong with those parties when it's just to have fun. But you want to meet the other heroes of the city, they aren't practical. There's no point in meeting them and having a good time with them if none of us can remember it the next day."

Tony nods at that brightening a bit. Then he turns back to his interface to continue hacking SHIELD. God damnit. "Okay, so no wild party. And no party, full stop, until Pep is back to make sure I don't sneak in a stripper cake or something equally as pubescent." He grins deviously. The grin that signals explosions and mad science. "How about a field trip though? You up for that, Cap?"

Steve can't help the feeling of dread that fills his stomach. This will not end well.


	2. Incidental Kidnapping

**Yeah , that's what Steve thought. Tony is just... Ugh.**

* * *

Steve hates Tony. There is currently no other viable option. "Tony," he begins, his voice low and angry and oh, God that's actually really hot. Oh wait, Steve is talking. Yelling, really. And is that completely necessary?

"What?" Tony feels sluggish, tired. Huh, Steve's eye are really blue when he's angry like this.

Steve lets out a quick breath. "Why did we just abduct a teenager?"

Teenager? What teen- Oh, right, Parker! Tony beams up at his friend. "Did we get him?"

Steve grips Tony's shoulders and glares. "Tony," he says carefully. "I need you to tell me why I just inadvertently kidnapped two teenagers."

"Two?" Tony asks. And then it comes back to him. "Oh, right. The blond who hit me in the head with a glass bottle." He glares around to see her scowling at him. "That was so not necessary. I get enough head injuries on my own, thank you very much. I did not need another one."

Steve sighs. Why does he always sound so put upon around Tony? Really Tony is not that bad. "Tony. What are we doing? Why are we kidnapping people?"

"We weren't kidnapping people. We were…" He looks at the scowly-head-injury girl. "Well, I can't tell you while she's here. But we were gonna talk to Parker." He glares blearily at her. "Only Parker."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, because drugging people like kidney-thieves makes a great first impression. If you're worried about me knowing about his extracurriculars, I already know. My name is Gwen."

Tony brightens at her hostility. She's his Pepper! "Cool. Steve, the kid is Spider-Man."

Steve is holding his head in his hands when Tony looks at him again.

"What? What's wrong? Did the crazy girl hit you too?" Tony glares at Gwen again.

And then Steve starts laughing. And doesn't stop. It's really not that funny. Tony's pretty sure he got hit in the head with a backpack full of textbooks. Which is just so not cool.

"No, Tony, Gwen did not hit me. I, like a normal person, told her who we were and that we would take Peter back to the tower for any medical attention he needed. Then we hauled the two of you into the car. Happy wasn't phased. Does this happen often? Please tell me it doesn't happen often. I do not like kidnapping people." Steve pats Tony's shoulder. "It leads to head injuries."

Tony smirks at him. "Yeah, but the kid wouldn't have come -"

"What do you actually want with Peter?" Head-injury girl gives no quarter. Direct and to the point.

Yeah, okay, Tony can work with that.

"Well, Miss Stacy." He can do names, stop looking like that. "I recently learned that Mr. Parker was a minor and as such should not be risking his life as the Spider-Man -"

"So you kidnap him to tell him to stop? He can't. He -"

Tony huffs, interrupting her. "If you'd let me finish. I was going to say that he shouldn't risk his life without back-up." He glances at the kid. He's smallish and wiry, very much an agile acrobat. "Or training for that matter. We can offer resources, both as the Avengers Initiative and as individuals."

Gwen is somewhat poleaxed by that.

"That's right. I'm not a complete asshole."

Steve is laughing again. "So, why didn't we just ask him come to the tower?"

This time Gwen rolls her eyes. God, Tony is never introducing her to Pepper. They would have him ousted from his own tower within the week. "Because you would've gotten to the part where you introduced yourself, and Pete would've bolted."

Tony gestures expansively. "See, Steve. This is actually better because now Blondie can help us make our case." He nods. "Good job on kidnapping her."


	3. More Like Suit and Needle

Peter struggles awake. He feels like that one time when he broke his arm and was on the good drugs. But he doesn't remember any injuries.

There are raised voices all around him. Two men, vaguely familiar. One female. Wait, Gwen? Shit. He got got Gwen kidnapped.

He groans. He had promised Captain Stacy, but Gwen was stubborn. And really, Peter did _not_ want to ignore her. Peter wanted to be around her.

Except now he was only half-conscious, and she was here and in danger. Wasn't she?

"Hey, Pete. It's okay. We're okay. We're in a limo. In Tony Stark's limo. He's crazy but not dangerous to us." That's Gwen.

And what, Tony Stark? As in Iron Man? There had been a shortish brown-haired man that had come up behind him with a hypodermic needle. And a tall blond man hovering around looking confused.

"Yeah, Peter. You're all good. It might take a couple more minutes for you to come completely out of it." Tony Stark, ladies and gentlemen, all manic energy and craziness. And now apparently stealing high schoolers from the street. "Look, you need to take deep breaths. You're kind of hyperventilating. I didn't kidnap you. I just wanted to talk about Spider-Man, but - Hey! Calm down! I'm not gonna make you go public. Peter! It's fine. You're fine. I won't spread your secret. Peter, I promise."

"Swear." Peter manages to breathe out the demand and open his eyes to look at Tony, who is hovering over him.

The billionaire smiles cautiously. "I swear, no one outside the Avengers will learn your secret from me." His smile broadens to something harsh and self-deprecating. "Good enough?"

Peter nods. It'll have to be. Team is like family, even if Peter only knows that from observation, he knows that it's true. And keeping secrets from family is torture. He sighs as that line of thought conjures the memory of Aunt May. He's going to have to tell her soon.

"So, Spider-Man, right?" Tony leans against his seat.

Gwen helps Peter sit up in the ridiculous limo. "Yeah. I'm Spider-Man." He pauses. "Does SHIELD know?"

Tony thinks for a moment. "SHIELD, no. Fury, maybe. The Avengers' personal handler, absolutely."

"Phil knows?" Peter almost jumps at the low question from the other man in the car.

And holy rippling biceps, Batman. That's Captain America. Peter can't really process beyond that for a moment.

Tony, however, soldiers on. "Please, what doesn't Agent know?" He catches the awed expression Peter knows he must be making and smirks. "By the way, Peter, this is Captain Steven Grant Rogers." He winks at the blond man, who is blushing fiercely. "Better known as Captain America."

"Tony, stop that," Captain America scolds. "Peter, it's nice to meet you. Call me Steve."

Peter nods.

Gwen taps his jaw. "Close your mouth, Parker. You're making the good captain embarrassed."

Peter shakes his head and focuses on Tony. "So, you wanted to talk?"

"How much do you know about what happened to you?"

"Not a lot. I don't understand why a spider bite would've had such an effect. Even if the spiders were genetically mutated."

Tony smiles and gestures expansively. "See, kid, this is why you want to come with us. Bruce has all these cool toys."

Peter raises an eyebrow. "You want me to let the man who turned himself into the Hulk and the man who inserted a volatile explosive above his heart to perform biological experiments on my DNA?"

Tony purses his lips. "Well, when you put it that way it really does sound like the worst idea in the world. Let's not word it that way. I want you to let two superhero geniuses with very expensive lab equipment study the changes to your DNA to make sure that it's a stable change. There -"

"I did that already," Peter cuts in.

Tony pouts. "Excuse you, I would know if I had done biological studies."

"No, not the consulting you part. The making sure my DNA is stable part."

Tony gave him a disparaging face. "Kid, you did tests in your high school science lab or at Oscorp. My tech is superior to theirs on so many levels that I even Biology better than them. And as a rule, I do not Biology."

Steve holds up his hands, waving off Peter and Gwen's protests. "Wait, Tony, go back to the part where you plan on doing biological experiments on Peter."

"Well," Tony stalls, extending the word to hold off the Captain's obvious disapproval. "Bruce is on his way back to the tower, and I saw Parker's file and -"

"Tony, did you even mention this to Bruce?"

"Of course!"

Steve glares a bit. Disapproving Captain America is disapproving. "And what did he say?"

"At first?" Tony hedges.

Steve rolls his eyes. "Sure, we'll start with that."

"Not a chance in hell." Tony parrots with zero inflection. Then his face twists as if he didn't mean to actually answer. "But Steve -"

"Tony," Steve tries gently. Peter can see his point. If Dr. Banner refused to do the tests what was the point of the cloak and dagger? Or suit and needle, whatever.

"- I really think that if -"

"Tony." Tony is a little much from what Peter's seen of him. And though the captain seems to have a high tolerance, it's wearing thin.

"- I can explain the situation to -"

"Tony." And Tony is clearly trying to overwhelm Steve's disapproval with his wall of words, but Steve isn't having any of that.

"- him, he'll agree. Especially if Parker -"

"Tony!" And there's the breaking point apparently.

"- is -" He sighs. "Steve, this isn't the serum or gamma irradiation."

"No," Steve agrees, "but he is a seventeen-year-old."

Peter cuts in here. "For about twelve more days."

Tony and Steve stop at that. Tony smiles. "Your birthday's in twelve days?"

"Yep," Peter affirms. He continues while he has their verbal battle stalled, "and I never actually said that Dr. Banner couldn't run some tests. I was just verifying the proposition." Besides, he and Gwen didn't really have any homework for the night.


	4. Bio-Hazards

CHAPTER 4: Bio-Hazards

Bruce is unpacking from his trip. He really is. He most definitely isn't compulsively folding and unfolding his clothes.

When he arrived at the tower, JARVIS told him that Tony and Steve were out. That really didn't bode well. Bruce is pretty sure Tony doesn't know how to bode well.

In fact, all of the Avengers are pretty bad at boding well.

Never mind.

Tony wants him to test DNA samples. Bruce is not a geneticist, except for how he kind of is. but, no, just no. Bruce wants nothing to do with Tony's crazy new project.

He had told Tony that, but Tony doesn't listen to answers that he doesn't like. Tony had sent him a file anyway. Spider-Man's file. Filled with half-answered questions and spider DNA. And the names Richard and Mary Parker. Two Oscorp scientists who had died under mysterious circumstances. Oscorp was notorious for its bio-sciences division.

Shit. He was going to do the damn tests. This realization makes him sit heavily on his bed. Dammit, Tony's annoying.

As if in response to that thought, JARVIS announces, "Excuse me, Dr. Banner, Sir and Captain Rogers have arrived back to the tower. Sir has requested you meet them in your lab."

Bruce takes a deep breath. "Yeah, all right, tell Tony that I'm on my way."

"Of course, Dr. Banner."

Bruce walks briskly to his lab space. God, he hopes Tony wasn't serious about bringing -

There's his lab. Tony and Steve are in there waiting… with two teenagers. Great.

Bruce picks up his pace. Everything dangerous is sealed up because he wasn't here, but Tony excels at making messes, and there are kids in his lab.

He enters to hear the boy say, "Well, I don't exactly produce the webs biologically. It's compressed bio-cable from Oscorp." The kid digs in his backpack and yanks out a metallic glove. "Here, this is the 'web-shooter.'" He offers the device to Tony.

"I don't -" Tony starts to object, but the device must distract him. He snatches it from the kid's hand. "What is- Oh, wow. That is-" He peers at the kid. "Did you- Oh you did! This is great! We are gonna have so much fun, you and I. You are so hired, Parker. This doesn't completely rely on this button, does it?"

The kid smirks taking Tony's enthusiasm and question as his due. God, now there are two of them. "To some extent it does. Like for sustained shots. But quick burst shots mostly rely on the kinetics of my hand gesture."

This elicits a series pleased but unintelligible sounds from Tony. "Oh, that is just-"

"Hi, Bruce." Bruce can't help the feeling of vindication he feels at the face Tony makes when Steve interrupts him. "How was your trip?" Steve asks, ignoring said face of betrayed annoyance.

"Fine." He responds, before scowling at Tony, who has switched his focus back to the device. "Tony, why are there teenagers in my lab? My very dangerous, possibly filled with bio-hazards lab? And why is one of the teenagers talking engineering in my biology lab?" He turn to them with somewhat apologetic smiles. Which they half-heartedly return. Ah, so maybe not lost causes.

"Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy." He waves distractedly at the girl and then the boy. In the wrong order, Bruce hopes.

"Tony." Bruce is trying not to whine he really is, but there's something about being around Tony when he's in his 'reverting to the childhood I never had' mode that makes it difficult to act like a responsible grown-up. Besides Tony has at least one engineering stranger in Bruce's lab and is not explaining himself. There are definite rules about this. Pepper made Tony sign a contract and everything.

"Yes, yes." Tony waves a hand at the rebuke and the elbow Steve shoved into his side. "Your space. Hulk territory. Bruce angry. Stranger bad." He sighs. "Parker is Spider-man. He's been picking off petty criminal in Queens and wherever he sees them for a few months." He snaps his finger. "Oh, and that mess with the crazy Godzilla-man back then that SHIELD completely missed until the idiot was already on the Williamsburg bridge. That was Parker and Miss Stacy's father." He nods at her in acknowledgement. "He was a police captain. He was KIA that night." His mouth twists at that, no doubt thinking that if they had been there the girl's father might not have died. "Sorry about that."

Miss Stacy smiles at that. "No biggie. Pete and I took care of Dr. Connors. He injected himself with a serum designed to make his cells perform a regenerative action not unlike those in reptiles." She glances at Parker, who is frowning at his feet, almost ashamed. "But it also increased his aggression. And then it warped his mind."

Like Blonsky. Like the stories Steve tells of the Red Skull. Some people just aren't made to take the changes they force on their bodies. Not that Bruce can really throw stones.

She sighs and continues. "I miss my dad, but his job was dangerous even when he wasn't saving Pete from mad scientists. But then he had to go and tell Pete to avoid me. And Pete, the idiot, tried to do it."

Parker shrugs. "It was his dying wish, Gwen. It seemed wrong not to at least try."

"Whatever you were being noble and self-sacrificing. But neither of you realized I might be in danger because you weren't around to help me until that guy cornered me, did you?"

"No." Parker's reply is small and like he's repeated it time and time again.

Bruce clears his throat. "Not that this story wasn't very enlightening, but I'm still not sure why we're doing it in the lab with bio-hazards?"

Tony shrugs. He's playing at being casual. That usually means whatever it is, Bruce isn't going to like it. "Dr. Banner, we need you to take samples from Mr. Parker. Find out the basis for his new powers. Make sure the DNA code is stable." He smirks. "No bugs in the system."

Steve sighs and rolls his eyes. "Sorry, Bruce, they're both adamant that this is necessary."

"Yeah." Bruce pause scratching the back of his head. "I can see why." He turn an appraising look on Parker. He's really young. Crap. "How old are you?"

"Twelve days until my eighteenth birthday." The kid straightens, trying to posture his way into getting Bruce to ignore his youth.

He's not great at it, and he's pretty short for his age. Compact, like Tony, but more wiry.

Bruce sighs. "Yeah, that's close enough. You've already been experimented on in some capacity based on your powers. What's a few days to majority and a few blood samples between friends, right?" His smile turns dark and self-deprecating. "Not like I'm known for my adherence to strict scientific protocols." He raises an eyebrow at Gwen. "Mad scientist, indeed."

She stares him straight in the eye and doesn't so much as flinch. Good. Peter found a strong one. Like Betty. Must come from having tough fathers. Though Bruce would never wish Thunderbolt on any little girl.

Bruce waves the somber mood and the stares he can feel from his teammates away. "It's fine. Tony, Steve, get the hell out of here. Take Miss Stacy to get something to eat. Make sure no one's going to call the police about two missing teenagers. The girl's father was a police captain. That could go so horribly wrong that it doesn't bear thinking about. Phil would not be pleased about having to post bail for two Avengers charged with kidnapping."

None of them move for a moment and then:

"Shit!"

"Oh, my God! I forgot about-"

"Oh man, Aunt May…"

"My mom is gonna-"

Bruce sighs. They're all useless. Both kids are scrambling in their bags to find their phones. Gwen, Steve, and Tony leave while Gwen placates her mom. "No, Mom, really just studying with Peter Parker. Sorry, I forgot. Um, in the library in Manhattan. No, not 'til later. Yeah, definitely by then."

And Parker's sitting at Bruce's lab bench, sighing into his phone as a woman Bruce can hear from a yard away complains about how he "needs to tell me when you're going to be late. I was so worried. After you uncle, well, Peter you need to tell me where you're going to be, okay?"

"Yeah, Aunt May," Parker sighs. "I'm sorry. I'll see you later. I'm working on a project. Yeah, okay. Bye, yes love you, too."

Bruce is kind of surprised that Peter has no embarrassment about that. Telling his aunt that he loves her in front of a complete stranger, but he guesses that he has a rather skewed perception of that because of Brian.

Parker looks up after he hangs up. "So, the Hulk, huh?"

Bruce is so startled by Peter's nonchalance that he laughs. "Yeah, I guess so." He shrugs. "Still getting used to that name. I usually just call him the Other Guy."

"Yeah, we don't really name ourselves, do we?"

"Nope." Bruce clears his throat. "Look we should get on with this."

"Waiting on you, Doc. What do you need?"

Bruce sighs and gets to work. He ends up taking buccal swabs, 5 vacutainers of blood, and even a urine sample.

He can't help but think that this kid is too young to be out there fighting crime. Even if he sticks to petty crime, he's risking his life and those around him. He says as much.

Peter frowns at his hands. "I understand what you're saying, Dr. Banner. But this isn't something I can walk away from. I tried. And I lost my uncle because of it. I can't walk away from being Spider-Man." He glares up, his defiance written in every feature of his too-young face. "And with all due respect, I don't see how it's any of your business. I saved New York from Dr. Connors. He had an aerosolized form of the serum that he used on himself. He was going to turn New York's population into lizard-people. And with Gwen's help and her father backing me up on that bridge, I stopped that. And Tony just said that SHIELD didn't even pick up on it until it was too late." He stands, shaking with fury. "And it wouldn't have been a matter of just turning them back. There would have been injuries and even deaths because the serum heightens aggression. Those people would've torn each other apart."

"You said it had regenerative properties."

"That would've gone away once you administered the antidote. Connors was an amputee. He lost the hand again when the antidote was dispersed." With his peace said, Peter strides out of the room.

Bruce thinks that's pretty great. The kid won't let anyone talk him out of his choice. Good. Lord knows there will be people from both sides will try.

He turns back to his analysis and can't believe he agreed to this. He had agreed to do experiments on a seventeen-year-old. They're pretty to me as far as biological testing goes, he guesses. But still, ugh.

But then the kid is there, and he's half-way between Tony and himself. Interested in biology but also excelling in engineering. And he's curious about his powers and excited to have access to a lab not run by his school.

Bruce gets a little carried away. So carried away that when he's testing Peter's DNA, he does some fiddling against samples he already had.

Except then he gets some matches.

"Oh hell, this won't end well."


	5. Worst Legacy in History

"Bruce." Tony thinks his voice is very calm. Measured even. The look Steve shoots him tells him that no, in fact, his voice was a bit pitchy. Especially towards the end. Yeah, who cares. Not important. Moving on. "Did you just say that Richard and Mary Parker were not Peter's parents?"

Bruce shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "Yeah."

Tony sighs. "Did you also just say that he is the genetic lovechild of Captain Muscles-and-Apple-Pie and myself?"

Peter slumps into the couch. "Ugh, wow, that is probably the worst possible way you could have said that." He laughs sharply. "Crap, I literally have two dads."

Tony points at him. "No. Just no." Then he turns back to Bruce who is hiding his face in his hands. "Bruce. That is not possible. Why did you even check that? This is not possible!" He points at Steve who seems to have died and is just sitting on the floor. "How the hell would they have gotten his DNA? Peter was already sixteen when Capsicle was defrosted. This is not possible."

Peter smirks at Tony. "You keep using that word I do not think it means what -"

"Okay, stop being a snarky Stark. You're disproving my point. And that is still not possible."

"Bruce." Steve stands at attention. "Could samples from 1943 have…?"

Bruce rubs his eyes. "Well, considering how well you were preserved? Yeah, I'd say the cells would've been viable."

Tony can't believe the betrayal. Steve is acting like this is actually happening. Like Peter is biologically their son. Oh my God. He has a son with Captain fucking America. He falls into one of his couches. "Fuck. Howard had my umbilical cord preserved. I'm actually not sure where he would've stored that. If someone stole samples of Cap's DNA, they probably could've easily accessed mine, too." Something really awful occurred to him. "Or even worse, Howard started the project himself. Highly unlikely, he was worse with biology than I am."

Gwen makes a really awful noise. "Oh, Mr. St- Tony. That is really messed up."

Tony gets a wicked smile. "You know what though. I think I still win, no offense, Parker. But you seem more like me than Steve. He would've hated that." He let a strangled laugh erupt from his throat as he covered his face.

"Tony," Steve warns.

"I know," he says, looking at Peter. "Sorry, kid. You just inherited the worst legacy in the world."

Peter grins viciously. he pointedly looks around. "I don't know. It seems pretty nice around here."

Yeah, Tony doesn't really think he's doing that bad either.

* * *

**So there'll eventually be a sequel to this, detailing the aftermath of this ridiculousness. But if I try doing it now it'll end up being complete CRACK... So, no. That's not happening.**


End file.
